The Thought of You

Thou'st are the twinkle in my life, my soul

It sends my heart places it has never seen before.

For nights I gazed and pondered,

Under stars lit with their enchanting glow,

Such feelings I want to share with you,

More then words would ever know.

Just the sheer mention of your name,

Sends a chill down my very spine,

So many nights we've stay talking,

Up till daybreak on the phone line.

Your hair so soft as flaxen,

Thou'st smile so soft and pure,

My heart, with love afflicted

Your affection the only cure.

Your forgiving eyes watch me softly,

As my hands caress gently down your face,

My mind hath gone adrift,

Yet my body stays in place.

This was a poem I wrote years ago and actually had it published on poetry.com. Just look up my name and type in the title. I have updated it a little but just the second sentence so it made more sense. Enjoy.

Missing Piece

Here I am again almost a year later fighting the same fight.

I don't want to admit that something is missing.

I shut it out to quickly without facing the problem.

It never gave me closer. I never healed my wounds.

You are a part of my life.

I can't live without you. You hold me up.

I try to fight it but my memory wins.

It opens my wounds and breaks me down.

I have enjoyed every thought of you.

I can't fight the past or the feelings from it.

I look for a substitute but nothing works.

Nothing fills the void that was ripped from my being.

You are a part of my life.

I can't live without you. You hold me up.

I try to fight it but my memory wins.

It opens my wounds and breaks me down.

I can't just forget about something so close.

I fight to forget but you've touched me.

You draw me in.

I can't let you go.

You are my missing piece.

I can't live without you.

I try to fight it but my heart wins every time.

Darkness

When darkness comes it consumes you. It is overwhelming and powerful. It is an amazing feeling. I love the thrill of being in darkness. I don't even fight it. I welcome it. I close my eyes and let it engulf me like a blanket. Being here allows me to be alone. It allows me to be something that I am not. Something different and I like it. Sometimes I catch myself sitting in a corner in a dark room just so I can feel the darkness around me. I curl my legs into my chest and just breathe. I love the escape that darkness gives me. It allows me to heal the pain. The pain of being in the light. Darkness has no rules. No limitations. I can't tell you how amazing that freedom is. I can be open with my secrets in my darkness. I can reach down deep inside and pull them out not having to worry about anyone seeing them. I can place them on the wall like photos and and keep them out of sight of others. These are things I don't share with others. They are mine and I am selfish. I don't want anyone to live with what I lived through. So I store my secrets here, in the darkness. That is why I feel so comfortable there. It is easier to go there then to share what my secrets are. I used to fight the darkness because I didn't understand it. It is easier to go there now and I don't have to fight it. When in the light my darkness follows me like a shadow just waiting for me to enter it. It never leaves my side. It is always there to take me when I need to get away. I don't know how I got this way but I don't want to change. I have a connection to this place. I will never fight again. I have noticed that I spend more time in the darkness now. The light is becoming less and less attractive to me. I don't see the point of it. It smothers me and I can't handle it. The light makes my pain real. It cuts deep, deep down in me that I scream all the time. This is my escape, my comfort, my home and you can't take that away from me.

Home Sweet Home

I first came to you scared and unsure

but you were always there with a hug, the best cure.

Many times I cried for mommy

but your open arms soothed me lovingly.

I couldn't quite speak but you were up to the task

teaching me my ABC's ever so fast.

I loved to come to your class,

everyday your smile would ever last.

I loved painting my pictures and ready the books,

and playing with best friends with giggles and looks.

I was learning by your hand very fast indeed.

Soon it was 123's and help me please!

What's this I started growing up?

Watch out big girl walking around in pull-ups!

I played with my dolls and help my blanket tight,

during naptime I always put up a fight.

I didn't want to sleep because I wanted to watch you,

so many interesting things that you would do.

When I was sad and not doing well

you always knew what to do you did it swell.

You would call my mommy not to upset,

but we know she over reacts NO doubt about that.

My hair was longer and my teeth were all in,

and I was getting taller which made you grin.

I was turing into a princess,

but shhhh mommy doesn't know!

It's our little secret lets not let it go.

It came to a point when I would scream your name,

come quick come quick I made it a game.

You would run to me every so quickly,

look I made yellows again in the potty.

I was now in underwear and almost three,

and daddy had to go away unfortunately.

I had my moments I had my tears,

but you always jumped in to wipe away fears.

You are my HOME SWEET HOME!

A place I can't live without.

You prepped me good without a doubt.

I have to move on but I will never forget,

my first year in your care I will never regret!

You are my HOME SWEET HOME!

and with this I bid you ado,

please share you love, as you have with me, to someone new.

**I wrote this one from my daughters point of view. When we moved to England I got a job at the CDC (child development center) and she ended up going there with me. I wrote this as a thank you to those that took care of my daughter. It was hard for me to write this as I had developed a friendship with those wonderful ladies. With every sentence came a new tear. I printed this and framed it and gave the Yankee candle, Home Sweet Home to those wonderful woman. They meant so much to us. Thank you Maria and Stephanie!! We will NEVER forget you.**

Runs Like Water

Your childhood dreams are washed away.

Your feelings are lost in sight of love.

The memories are still remaining,

stabbing and killing your personality.

There are things you can't erase.

Things you wished you did not see.

You are striving for attention,

and you need it soon.

Goodbye, sweet dreams goodbye.

You push it strongly against your skin.

Can you feel it, or is it numb?

Sudden sharp screams of agony echo on.

Direct it to another source. Continue!

It slowly runs off the tips of your fingers.

You can feel it now but it is to late, to late.

Images of your elapsed memories flash

as your being drifts to the abyss.

Another mistake, another time.

You can't erase you can't go back.

It's to late, to late.

**Runs Like Water was written during a dark time in my life. As I am sure you got that once you've read it. This is one of my favorite pieces as it is really deep and scary. I hope you enjoyed it.**

Journey

I found myself aimlessly wondering around. I am trying to find a place that I can be myself, a place where I can't be found. After wandering for quite some time I look around to see where I am. I must of wondered off the trail because this place does not look familiar to me. It has no beginning and no ending. I am just surrounded by rows and rows of tall dark trees. Where am I? After turning and turning frantically trying to see something familiar I give up and fall to my knees. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I open my eyes and look around again I realize that I am in a familiar place. I have seen this place somewhere before, somewhere in my dreams. It is a place that is dark and mysterious almost frightening. I pull myself up and shake the dirt off my clothes. I start walking in search of something but I do not know what I am looking for.

I walk for what seems like hours and the trees around me haven't changed. They don't grow or even move in the wind. I can feel the wind through my fingers and my hair but the trees can't. Hours have now past and I am stuck in what seems like eternal dusk still searching for something. I close my eyes and I scream as loud as I can but I am not heard. I don't hear any noise. Come to think of it I didn't even hear my foot steps on the withered old ground or even any animals. There is nothing just silence. I fall back down to the earth extremly frustrated. I run my fingers over the old ground that has aged with mossy rocks and old wilted wild flowers. I lay back and let the height of the trees over shadow me. With each breath I relax and start to wonder through my memories. I am searching for a certain memory but with each breath I take I feel it is slipping further away like it is escaping with my breath.

I don't want to lose that memories but I can't see where it went. I need to get it back so I open my eyes quickly and jump to my feet and I start running. I am trying to run fast but something is pulling me back. My feet feel heavy weighing me down but I try to keep going. The wind is picking up and taking my memory with it. Please don't take what I have. I need to remember. I just can't seem to go any faster. It feels like the trees are now reaching in for me trying to stop me from going any further. The ground is getting thicker under my feet but I keep trying to run. My body is getting heavier and I finally start to sink into the mushy ground. I have no choice but to give up so I fall over hitting my palms to the ground trying to brace myself for impact. As I am laying there, my hands and face in the mud I can't help be feel defeated. After a few deep breaths I gather myself together and open my eyes. I start to see something in the ground that looks familiar to me. I push myself up to get a better look at what is beneath me.

I can't believe what my eyes are seeing. There is something moving underneath the branches and mud and flowers but what is it. I start frantically moving away the debris to see what it is. My jaw falls open and almost hits the ground when I see a girl underneath me. How can a girl be underneath me. She is looking at me and I don't understand why. I am drawn to the way she looks as if I know her or have seen her before. She doesn't move at all. She just sits there looking sadly at me. I notice something else moving along side her. She is lifting her arm and trying to reach for me. There is nothing around but she is pushing forward reaching for me.

I know where I have seen her before. She is me! She is why I am here. She is what I was searching for all this time. She is the memory that was drifting away from my being. She is a reminder of what I am NOT missing out on. This sad person reminds me of where I don't want to be. I remember now. I now know why I stored them so deeply in the back of my head. I didn't want to remember it. I want it to go away. I want her to go away. I try hitting her and screaming at her but she doesn't here me and she doesn't move. She keeps reaching for me and I wonder why she is trying to come back. I didn't like that girl before. She took me to a dark place that was hard to come back from. As I continue to yell at her her hands break through the ground and grab a hold of my wrists. She is squeezing and burning my wrists trying to fight her way back. I don't want her here. I am able to wiggle my hands free so I reach around to find anything to throw at her. I grab a rock and hold it firmly in my hand over my head and tell her that she is not coming back. I don't want to be cold and dark and alone anymore. I take one last look at her and throw the rock as hard as I can. When the rock hits her she shatters like a million pieces of glass.

The little glass pieces start to fly all around me and I can see her reflection still reaching for me. I take one big breath and look her square in the eye and yelled NO, and I suddenly made a noise. My words pulsed like a wave of water crashing around me breaking down everything in site. I turn my head around and watch every tree falling to the ground. I curled my head up underneath my arms and wait for it to be over. The sound of my voice was now a low hum rumbling through the mountains around me and then it went silent. I lowered my arms and then pushed myself up the ground and there was nothing around.

The trees where gone along with the moldy rocks and wilted wild flowers. There was nothing around but me and it was dark and cold. Out of the corner of my eye I see something but it is to bright to make out what it is. The brightness creeps forward closer and closer making the cold darkness go away. Soon I am surrounded by nothing but light and warmth. My battle was over. I won the right to be free from that girl. I pulled myself up from the ground and started to walk away. With every step I take that girl is left behind by the imprint of my foot. Left behind to never haunt me again.